Noah's Ark... If it happened today
And the Lord spoke1 to Noah and said, In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark.
And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications2 for an Ark. Okay, said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling3 with the blueprints4.
Six months, and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time.
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. ..... and there was no Ark.
Noah, shouted the Lord, Where is the Ark?
Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re- draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance5 from the city planning commission.
Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted6 Owl7. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls8. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor9 Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
Then I started gathering10 up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly11 to the idea that they had no jurisdiction12 over the conduct of a Supreme13 Being.
Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years, Noah wailed14.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
You mean you're not going to destroy the earth? Noah asked hopefully.
No, said the Lord sadly. The government already has.
